It's been 1.5 years since I gave birth to you. You didn't have a normal birth. You were born 10 weeks earlier than normal. To be poetic about it, you were too excited to see the world. But the scientific explanation is that mommy had (has?) an incompetent cervix. That means the house that you're in was weak and it's impossible that you stayed there longer because you're getting bigger and bigger.
The doctor told us you're her youngest case so far(28 week old) and that she can't promise us anything. You cannot imagine how much I cried after she said that. My worries about disappointing my parents, about my early motherhood and career...suddenly became so petty. All I wanted at that moment was for you to survive!
It was Sept 4,2008 when they admitted me to Delgado Hospital. I was still in shock and I did not want to be separated from your dad for even a split second. I was holding his hand really tight while we were in the cab to the hospital and I heard myself saying " I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for this." He was just silent (Maybe he was thinking where he can borrow money for the hospital bills since we only had P1,000 cash at that time). We were so silent. That image of your dad and me inside the cab would probably be the first one to flash in my mind before I die.
I really hate hospitals. I hate the smell of it, i hate hospital food, i hate cruel hospital people, i even hate most hospital horror stories. It's the place here on earth that's closest to hell. But for four days, it became my home. The doctors inserted needles and said that I should not move too much(if possible,at all) so you would not come out. They were trying to relax my muscles hoping that my cervix would close up gain. The doctor checked me after 24 hours, and alas! The opening got wider by 1 cm. She said we cannot do anything about it but wait for you to come out and that next time I want to have a baby(whadaya mean next time I want to have a baby??!) we'll do it with extra care. At that moment, it felt like I had a hundred hearts and that they were breaking all at once.
They transferred me to a cheaper, filthier, crueler hospital (East Ave) because my doctor said that if ever you survive, you need to be incubated for a month or so and that we'd save a lot if I give birth to you in a government hospital. You may notice one trait about mommy that's quite annoying sputnik..I plan too much. That's because I want to be in control of everything as much as possible. But at that moment, I was in total surrender. I let them do whatever they want to do to me without question. Hours later, you came out. But I never got to touch you, to kiss you or to even get a glimpse of your face. They rushed you to the NICU (Intensive Care Unit). I heard you cry though when the doctor slapped your butt. It was the sweetest cry I've ever heard.
You stayed in the NICU for one whole month. Your dad and I were literally on our own so we had a tough time adjusting to everything. I was still recovering from delivery, he had to go to work but we visited you every single day. Your dad and I must've looked so foolish because we were so eager to see you everyday. The parents were required to wear a robe and wash their hands before entering the NICU and I remember your dad getting so pissed with this guy who didn't wash his hands properly. He said what if that man is carrying a disease which he would pass on to one baby and that baby would pass it on to sputnik. (Your see how crazy he is about you?)
Ah, this is getting quite long, Sput and mommy is starting to find it hard to recall the right order of things. So instead, I will just tell you the things that are still very clear to me.
I remember how painful it is to hold a lump on my throat because I can't let the nurses see me cry when they inserted you with needles.
I remember your dad charming all the hospital people so he can step inside the delivery room and give me my comfort blanket.
I remember staring at the hospital ceiling asking myself what would happen to your dad and me if you wont survive.
I remember envying(hating) all the new moms who are holding their babies in their arms.
goodnight.i will finsih you tomorrow
